The 5 Movies Based on Videogames That Uwe Boll SHOULD Make!
Uwe Boll is known the world over as a destroyer of hopes and dreams when it comes to movies based on video games. He has directed, produced and butchered the movie versions of games such as: Dungeon Siege, Bloodrayne, House of the Dead, and Postal. He also has 4 more movies based on video games coming out in the next 2 years, including a movie based on the mind-blowing Far Cry. His destruction of videogame movie genre (if there really is one) is so complete, that whenever a new videogame movie is announced, all gamers cringe and hope that they don’t see involvement from Uwe Boll.
Doing a little research on IMDB shows that the highest rating he has been given on one of his movies was 4.1/10, and that movie wasn’t even a video game movie! The rest of his movies, for the most part, hover around the 1/10 to 2/10 range. Not exactly Spielberg quality, to say the least.
I have decided to compile a list of video games that Uwe Boll SHOULD make into movies. Maybe he needs a little help choosing games that fall within his level of expertise.
1. Tetris:
The game is about blocks falling down a screen. It should be a pretty cut and dry movie. He can dress some crappy actors, which he apparently has plenty of, judging by his past movies, in cardboard boxes (like in the Beastie Boys video for Intergalactic) and have them fall on top of each other to make lines. There’s no story to mess up, no characters to get confused, just 7 different shapes.
2. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
This is quite possibly the worst game in video game history. Supposedly, there is a landfill somewhere just full of the Atari cartridges of this game. The whole point of the game was to fall into holes so E.T. could phone home. This contributed to the decline of Atari and the destruction of an age of video games, just as Uwe Boll’s “films” have destroyed any hope we have to see a decent video game movie. With a game this bad, Uwe can only go up. Of Course, it would be more of a remake based on the videogame, as opposed to the great original movie. Do you think we could trust a movie of the caliber of E.T. to Uwe Boll? He should just keep it simple, a movie about a wrinkled alien that falls down holes. Shouldn’t be much of a challenge for him.
3. Hour of Victory
Crappy WWII video game in a genre already filled with bad Medal of Honor and Call of Duty clones; crappy director in an industry that already has plenty of crappy directors. This seems like a match made in heaven to me.
4. Shaq-Fu
Seriously, Shaq hurt his name and reputation making his horrible movies; then he made an even worse game.
Uwe hurt his name and reputation by making House of the Dead; then he made Alone in the Dark.
5. Two Worlds
For a game that was supposedly designed by rocket scientists, you would have thought they could have come up with something better. This game is proof that just because you’re an egghead, it doesn’t mean that you’re great in everything. Case in point: Uwe Boll, just because you have a video camera, it doesn’t mean that you can make a movie.
With all these videogames, only 2 things can happen. Either Uwe can actually improve on something and help his career; or, maybe the world and the movie industry will finally appreciate his total destruction of so many great possibilities for great videogame movies.
on November 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
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